“I got laid last night” says guy who definitely just masturbated in your shared bathroom

The weedy American fuckboy from the bunk above you is definitely bullshitting about getting “hella laid last night” and has undoubtedly just polished himself off all over the shower floor, sources have confirmed.

Randy Hardenburg, 21, has spent the entire morning annoying everyone at Madrid’s Dirty Dog Hostel with his wildly inconsistent claims about last night’s sexual exploits. Despite that, fellow guests heard him grunting suspiciously from the shower just a few minutes ago.

“I like totally did her up against the wall,” Randy says, describing the imaginary scenario he clearly reenacted with his hand minutes earlier in the hostel’s only shower cubicle. “Then we did it doggy-style in her kitchen, all night looong!”

“I hope we didn’t keep you up,” he adds with a wink. This directly contradicts his previous assertion that he’d gone back to this mystery girl’s “shag pad.”

After feigning a yawn and a stretch, Randy then informs you that he “didn’t get no sleep last night brutha,” despite the fact that you and everyone else in the dorm saw him tucked in and snoring at 11:23 pm after what seemed like an aggressive pre-sleep tug.

The Tragic Traveller understands Randy plans to spend this afternoon “on a hella big yacht with all ma bitches,” despite the fact that Madrid is several hundred kilometres from the nearest significant body of water.

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