Spending the night in a shared dorm is a rite of passage for every young traveller. But as fun as it is to hang out all evening with seven broke hippies who morally oppose showering and definitely DON’T know how to play that guitar, the hostel experience can get old fast.
Here are a few fun tips to save you from smothering your snoring bunkmate with a lumpy pillow.
Practise safe abstinence
Getting laid is great. Hell, it might even be the best 23 seconds of your trip. But let’s face it; you’ve spent 136 dry, lonely nights in hostel rooms on this trip. The 137th ain’t gunna be the charm.
So, instead of putting all that effort into chatting up that drunk girl/guy who keeps scratching their crotch suspiciously, simply accept the fact that you’re not that attractive and cry yourself to sleep like a normal person. You won’t have to awkwardly try to remember their name in the morning, and you’ll save yourself some potentially embarrassing miming at the pharmacy!
Block out ALL your senses
Eye masks and earplugs are great for catching 40 winks in a shared dorm, but they only block out two of your five senses. To really get a good night’s sleep, you’ll need to completely deprive yourself of all your senses with a few extra pieces of essential travel gear.
Consider sleeping with a SGE 400 military-grade gas mask and Drager NBC filter. For only $165, this combo will not only filter out your roommates’ soggy beer farts, but will also stop any suspicious creepy crawlies from nesting in your mouth. Then simply cover your bed, blanket, and pillow in cling wrap and hey presto, you’ve got the perfect DIY kit for a peaceful, hygienic night’s sleep!
Get unashamedly naked
Personal space can be hard to come by in a shared dorm. That all changes, however, when you’re completely butt naked.
Set the tone by stripping off the second you step into the dorm room. You’ll be amazed at the wide berth all your roommates give you from the outset! It’s important to make vigorous eye contact with every other guest in your room to let them know that you don’t give a single fuck that your private parts are on full display.
Note: Female readers may find this approach significantly less effective.
Be THAT guy
It’s a law of nature: There’s always THAT guy in every dorm room. You know, the obnoxious knobhead who bursts into the room at 3 am drunk, talking to himself, and ripping apart his luggage in search of a pair of boxer shorts that he’s not going to wear anyway.
There’s only one way to avoid that guy – you have to BECOME him. Embrace your inner dickhead by swigging cheap tequila out of the bottle, playing loud techno on your portable speaker, and spreading your clothes all across the dorm floor. Once you’ve got the basics down pat, you can start working on your loud belches and slimy pick-up lines.