Canberra is absolutely fascinating when you’re high on PCP

I’d heard so many negative things about the Australian capital before I visited for the first time. But after having spent a week in Canberra, I can safely say that it’s a delightful little city to explore as long as you’re off your tits on PCP.

Many people will tell you that Canberra is just a boring backwater full of politicians and prostitutes. What those people don’t realise is that Canberra is not only the political capital of the Great Southern Land; it’s also an architectural gem, a natural oasis, and one of the best places in the world to buy hardcore hallucinogens on the street.

One thing you’ll notice as you walk through Canberra’s streets is just how colourful the city is. I mean really colourful. We’re talking oranges, pinks, electric blues, polka dots, even the Northern Lights. It’s amazing how the architects have designed buildings that actually change colour and melt right before your eyes!

Of course, I want you to enjoy Canberra as much as I did when I smoked so much angel dust that I punched God in the face. That’s why I’ve prepared a one-day itinerary to help you see all the major Canberra sights through a drug-fuelled haze.

• 730 am: Rise and shine! It’s time to head to one of the trendy cafes on University Avenue for some eggs benedict and a nice latte. There’s no better way to start your day in Canberra.
• 830 am: Take a stroll down to Lake Burley Griffin. The way the morning sun glints off the water’s surface is pure magic!
• 9 am: Head to the alley behind Parliament House with $80 in your pocket. Frankie will be there; he’ll pat you down to check for weapons, then he’ll sell you a gram of the finest PCP you’ve ever tasted in your life. Smoke two thirds of it now and save the rest for this evening.
• 10 am: Take a tour of the National Gallery of Australia. Ignore all the paintings – they talk a lot but they’re full of shit.
• Midday: Lunchtime! Don’t worry if you’re out of money – there are plenty of convenience stores to rob all across Canberra. Just make sure you take the attendant’s phone and cut the cord of the landline so they can’t call the cops.
• 2 pm: It’s question time at Parliament House, one of Canberra’s biggest attractions. Take a seat in the gallery and make intense eye contact with every politician you see. They’ll appreciate it – after all, they’re just drug-addled as you!
• 3-10 pm: It’s been a busy day – take a nap! Canberra has some of the world’s most comfortable park benches on which to come down hard. Just make sure to keep your screams to a dull roar so as not to wake up the thousands of other homeless people sharing the park with you.
• 10 pm: You’ve still got a third of a gram left – what are you waiting for?? Burn one down and then hit the D-floor at Canberra’s world-class nightclub!
• 4 am: You probably shouldn’t have kicked that bouncer in the nuts and threatened his family. But hey, at least you’ve got a free cell for the evening!