Hitchhiking is an amazing way to travel to remote places and immerse yourself in the local culture, especially when you’re flat broke and willing to communicate in awkward hand gestures for the next 14 hours.
Even so, it can be difficult to know which ride to accept and which to respectfully pass up. That’s why we’ve put together this guide featuring a few common roadside scenarios to help put your mind at ease when getting into a stranger’s car.
There’s a half-drunk bottle of spirits on the passenger seat
Come on, lighten up! In many countries it’s culturally acceptable to drive while shitfaced, and many drivers feel much more secure when they can’t really see the other cars around them. Plus, the driver will probably offer you a swig of his homemade alcohol – what a treat that would be!
Those stunning twins in the front seat are totally hot for you
It’s not every day you get offered a ride by supermodel sisters dressed in revealing clothing. It probably means they want to fulfill all of your wildest sexual fantasies. After all, no horror movie has ever begun with an average-looking backpacker getting seduced by a pair of suspiciously attractive girls in a foreign country.
The driver is wearing stilettos and appears to be naked underneath his overcoat
Hey, it’s 2018 – don’t judge. If you had to drive 16 hours in one hit, you’d probably want some fresh air around your junk, too. And if this balding middle-aged driver wants to describe all his sexual predilections to you in graphic detail while fiddling with himself downstairs, then it’s your duty as a respectful hitchhiker to listen attentively.
All the windows in the back of the van have been spray-painted black
What a considerate driver! He understands that you’ve been waiting in the sun for hours and that you really need a nice long nap, which is why he’s blacked out all the windows and laid out a mattress on the cabin floor. He’s even offered to give you a hospital-grade sleeping pill and tie you down for your own safety! An all-round great guy.
You can still smell the blood soaking into the back seat
Don’t be put off by a bit of blood spattered here and there around the car. After all, most serial killers wait months – even years – between kills. Statistically, the fresher the blood, the less likely your driver is to sacrifice you to the death god of his/her choice today!