Absolute trashbag “finds herself” in Ibiza

Terrible human being Stacy von Hummerberg has “got a whole new perspective on life” during a month-long bender in Ibiza.

The 23-year-old disgrace said the notorious party island – where a bottle of water costs €10 at most nightclubs and every street corner stinks of piss from May to September – “really feels like somewhere I could call my home.”

In a 5:45 am kerbside interview with The Tragic Traveller, a wide-eyed von Hummerberg waxed lyrical about the “inner peace and serenity” she felt in Ibiza. Her heartfelt story was occasionally audible during breaks in the dance music blasting out from the club behind her.

“You know, being here has taught me so much about a different culture and a different way of life,” said the utter trashbag, who hasn’t learnt a single word of Spanish, nor interacted with any local who’s not serving her alcohol or drugs during her month on the island.

“I’ve even met my soulmate, Javier,” she added with a vacant grin, wrapping her arm around a 19-year-old from Manchester with a pool of vomit between his feet.

At the time of publication, an excited von Hummerberg was staggering down the street, trying to pat a cat whose fur, she claimed, was “soooooooooo soft!”