According to a study conducted just this instant by bored scientists, the air in your dorm room is now more than 60% fart.
The discovery came after neighbours heard choking noises coming from the room, which they claimed “stinks like sweaty gorilla taint, even from out here.”
“What’s interesting here is how quickly the air in this room went from relatively breathable to dangerously high in methane,” lead researcher Gary Gastonburger said through his military-grade gas mask.
“Our first sample from 11 pm showed that only 2.7% of the room’s air consisted of stinky butt gas, which can be explained by the fact that everybody else was out partying while you were eating a microwavable serving of baked beans for one.”
“The first significant change to the room’s atmosphere came around 1:30 am, when those three Aussie lasses came back from their all-you-can-eat curry banquet,” Gastonburger added. “Of course, the situation became critical at 3:45 when the lads from the stag party returned full of dark beer and richly marinated sausages. Fifteen minutes into their sharting contest, we discovered that the concentration of invisible faecal matter in the air had reached a whopping 63%.”
Gastonburger suggested that you “Get the fuck out of there now, or at least open a goddamn window” if you ever want to see the light of day again.