Global warming kinda sucks. But hey, if you can’t fix it, you may as well enjoy it! And what better time to enjoy it than the festive season? Here are five fun Christmas destinations that are getting less shitty as the Earth hurtles towards climate catastrophe.
The United Kingdom
For centuries, the British colonised the rest of the world in search of some decent weather. Now, thanks to global warming, it’s coming to them! In a few years’ time, you won’t even need a jacket to
walk swim the streets of London on Christmas day.
Let’s face it: Siberia isn’t at the top of your must-see list. That’s probably because you’re worried about freezing to death in the world’s harshest climate. However, if there’s one place in the world that can handle an increase in average temperature from -30C to -28C, it’s this icy wasteland.
Celebrate the warmer weather by packing your heaviest down jacket, microwaving your underwear, and catching a flight to the middle of nowhere. Once you arrive, buy a couple of bottles of cheap vodka and celebrate with the famously friendly locals.
Bali probably isn’t the first Christmas destination that pops into your mind. That might be because the Balinese people don’t celebrate Christmas, or because it’s a tropical island full of drunk Australians. Nevertheless, climate change is transforming the island’s wet Decembers into perfectly sunny beach weather!
Make sure you share some of your holiday cheer with the locals. They might be concerned that the drought is killing their crops, but that’s no excuse for being a sourpuss at Christmas time!
The hotter it gets, the better the Gulf nations become at perfecting their air-conditioning technology. You can now visit Saudi Arabia and watch the peasants outside literally frying to death from the comfort of your hotel room.
Don’t worry about celebrating Christmas in this strictly Islamic country. Just remind any government officials who bother you how much you love capitalism; that usually does the trick. If they persist, just mention Jamal Khashoggi.
If you haven’t heard of this hellhole, thank god you’ve never had to flee a war zone. The island’s festive name belies the fact that the Australian government used it as a prison camp for refugees for several decades. This small patch of land has seen more distress and suffering than an actual Christmas lunch.
We’re not suggesting that global warming would make Christmas Island a nice place to visit; we just think that being swallowed by the ocean would be a significant improvement.