After an exhaustive audit, the New York-based firm gave your decision to quit your job in pursuit of your dream its lowest possible rating. They labelled it “Fucking calamitous, mate,” noting that your future is now “straight up fucked.”
“We were going to give you our third-worst score: ‘pretty goddamn stupid,’”
Moody’s auditor Vanessa Chang said.
Then we realised that not only had you quit a six-figure job in order to go ‘find yourself’ in Patagonia, but you’d also dumped your fiancee. Her parents just bought her a $2 million house five minutes from the city centre! What the fuck were you thinking?
Chang seemed offended that you’d wasted your white male privilege on a self-indulgent holiday that would almost certainly end with a staph infection in an understaffed Bolivian hospital.
“To be honest, it’s impressive that you managed to get a ‘calamitous’ rating out of us,” Chang said. “We usually reserve that for dictators whose poor decisions lead to millions of their own citizens dying of starvation. But seriously, you sold all your blue-chip shares? Then you spent $12,000 in Venezuela on a second-hand motorbike you don’t even know how to ride? And you invested the last of your remaining savings in Bitcoin? Fuck you.”
At the time of publication, Chang was seen throwing her computer monitor through her office window. Witnesses said she’d just spotted an $8000 transaction for a week-long yoga retreat on your account.