Outspoken patriots celebrate Australia Day by flying to Bali

Despite growing support for the ‘Change the Date’ movement, thousands of Australia’s bravest and most vocal patriots will celebrate Australia Day on 26 January by flying to Bali, The Tragic Traveller can reveal.

In a stirring display of unbowed nationalism, patriots from all corners of Australia will gather at the country’s major international airports on Saturday morning to pay their respects to the fallen colonialists of the First Fleet. They’ll then take advantage of heavily discounted flights to celebrate Australia Day on an island where their rampant alcoholism, violence, and bigotry will go unpunished.

In recent years, Indigenous groups have led calls for the government to change the date of Australia Day. They say the 26th of January represents the invasion of their land and the slaughter of their ancestors. However, many right-wing activists see the Change the Date movement as an attack on their Anglo heritage.

Passenger Darren ‘Dazza’ Holt is one of those activists. Wearing an Australian flag in place of a shirt, Dazza told The Tragic Traveller he was looking forward to “escaping all this un-Australian bullshit” by leaving Australia.

“I’m proud to be ‘Strayan, and I’ll bloody celebrate Australia Day on the 26th of January whether you like it or not,” Dazza said. “Every other country can fuck off I reckon. This is the best bloody place in the world,” he added while waiting to board his $250 flight to Denpasar.

With her company offering insanely cheap Australia Day flights to Bali, Scoot Airlines representative Sonya Minh said the deal had been particularly popular among true blue Aussies.

“Scoot proudly puts Australian values first,” Minh said of the Singaporean airline. “We’re thrilled so many fair dinkum Aussies are upholding their traditions by invading another country on the 26th of January.”

She said the airline was expecting some rowdy passengers and had prepared accordingly.

“Data analysis shows 94% of customers flying to Bali on Australia Day have a Southern Cross tattoo and follow Pauline Hanson on Twitter,” she said.

We’ve stocked our planes with plenty of pepper spray and cans of VB, which we’ll sell for $12 a pop. We’ve also given all our ‘ethnic-looking’ staff the day off. Just in case.

Minh said her airline had received a number of emails with the subject line ‘CHANGE THE DATE!!!’ since announcing the Australia Day sale. However, none of these were politically motivated; they were all from hungover passengers who’d missed their flights.