Report: Man spends 0.0012% of his holiday having sex

A 22-year-old American backpacker who planned to “smash pussy from Spain to Ukraine” has spent a statistically insignificant percentage of his four-month holiday actually having sex, researchers have confirmed.

A study published by Berlin University found Jai Pulkowski has spent a mere two minutes and six seconds of his European adventure “wrapped in the meat flaps.” This is despite his assertion that “them Euro biatches be DRIPPIN’ for me, dawg!”

“We may as well round it down to zero,” lead researcher Helmut Snussberg told The Tragic Traveller. “In any other study, we’d consider that two-minute-long hanky panky session to be an outlier. However, we tracked down the poor girl who ‘accommodated’ Jai, and she confirmed that it did indeed happen.”

Snussberg said Jai’s failure rate was astonishing, even taking into account his below-average looks and negligible personality.

“It’s incredible that of the 93 evenings Jai spent ‘prowling for poon,’ he only managed to ‘shoot his pearl in the clam’ once,” Snussberg said. “His lady friend told us he started crying before he’d even ‘spilt the white paint on the pink sofa.’”

Jai told The Tragic Traveller he was confident of “probing more gash” now that he’s arrived in Eastern Europe because he “can afford it here.”