Spending yet another night sad and alone in an unfamiliar city, 37-year-old Alan Hoxton is reportedly about to drift off to sleep on a mattress that contains six times more sperm than he does.
The travelling microwave salesman from Indiana is holed up for the night in a Detroit hotel on a bed that has seen 4900% more action than he has in the past year. Despite the hotel staff’s half-hearted efforts to clean it, the mattress is now richer in bodily fluids than the average homicide scene.
According to leaked medical documents obtained by The Tragic Traveller, Hoxton’s sperm count of 2.6 million spermatozoa per millilitre renders him legally infertile, a fact of which he remains unaware.
Fertility expert Dr Natasha Gonsalves told The Tragic Traveller that, despite being an inanimate object, his mattress has a significantly higher chance of producing human life than he does.
“I hate to use the word ‘crawling’ … but yes, that mattress is absolutely crawling with other people’s swimmers,” Dr Gonsalves said. “Even if the poor guy did know a woman who was willing to sleep with him, she’d have a better chance of getting pregnant simply by sitting on the corner of the mattress and waiting.”
At the time of publication, a hotel employee had overheard Hoxton adding to the mattress’s sperm count, although not by much.