Hardened criminal smuggles fruit into Australia

A career criminal with nothing to lose has risked it all by smuggling several kilograms of fruit into Australia.

Ex-convict Keith William Cardano reportedly evaded customs officials at Brisbane airport just a few minutes ago. It’s believed the large, heavily tattooed man – who has served multiple prison sentences for crimes such as armed robbery, aggravated assault, and arson – was carrying a stash of exotic fruit worth tens of thousands of dollars on the street.

Secret recordings obtained by The Tragic Traveller capture Cardano plotting his dastardly plan with an associate.

“I’ve got an inside man at the airport,” Cardano told his accomplice. “For half a kilo of rambutan he’ll let us walk right through the door.”

Cardano appeared unfazed by Australia’s biosecurity laws, which are among the strictest in the world.

I don’t fucken’ care if I cause irreparable damage to Australia’s fragile ecosystem. This starfruit is primo stuff – we’re gunna get fucken’ juiced, boi!

At press time, witnesses reported loud screams coming from the airport toilet block as Cardano extracted a pineapple from his rectal cavity.

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