Just because I’m a white tourist doesn’t mean I’m rich. But I am.

As a white tourist, local people always assume I’m absolutely loaded wherever I go. They try to sell me unnecessary souvenirs at extortionate prices and constantly bug me to take their stupid tours. Who are they to assume I can afford to waste money like that? The fact that totally I can because of my family’s enormous wealth is completely irrelevant.

Sure, my dad manages a hedge fund and my mum is America’s third-largest real estate tycoon. But the average person on the street doesn’t know that. They just assume I’m wealthy because I’m a white tourist, I wear Ralph Lauren polo shirts all the time, and I have a personal driver. It’s offensive.

This happened to me just last month when I went to Tanzania to climb Mount Kilimanjaro and buy a diamond mine. Some absolute joker tried to sell me a fake rhino horn for $350!!! Bitch, please; I already own eight real rhino horns. They adorn the walls above my 100% ivory piano. They’re the undisputed highlight of my house’s “golden room.”

All I want is for these people to treat me with a bit of respect. Just leave me be and stop judging me purely on the colour of my skin and the diamond-encrustedness of my watch. If you don’t, I’ll buy your fucking house and knock it down in front of you.

So, here’s my final message to all the poor, struggling people who assume that I’m rich because I’m a white tourist. It’s not that I can’t afford to give you some of my money; I just don’t want to.