Report: Everybody in dorm having sex right now except you

All 11 other people in your overcrowded dorm are having sex right now and hoping you don’t realize, researchers have confirmed.

According to a four-person research team – who also get plenty of action, by the way – you’re literally the only person in the entire hostel who’s not engaging in mind-bending intercourse right now.

“Our studies show that everybody else in your room is happily going at it as we speak,” head researcher Shermaine Kwok said. “It seems these 11 sexy people just couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They’re glad they didn’t have to invite you, though.”

Kwok said this kind of hostel orgy was extremely common, and was amazed you’d never been involved in one before. She offered to give you a blow-by-blow account of the action, just in case you felt excluded.

“The Mexican guy is getting it on with the Japanese girl. That slightly older but totally sexy Swedish blonde is pounding the guy from South Africa. And those seven drunk Australians? You don’t even wanna know what’s happening over in that corner. Just put your earplugs in and keep staring awkwardly at the ceiling.”

At publication time, all 11 of your roommates had just reached a shuddering, simultaneous climax while you were watching a YouTube video about financial planning for singles.