Everybody at hostel – including staff – too high to remember which country they’re in

All 27 inhabitants of the Funky Mandala hostel in Goa are currently too high to remember which country they’re in, The Tragic Traveller can confirm.

After a three-hour hotboxing session in which the residents smoked 16 bongs between them with all the doors and windows closed, only four people remain conscious. None of those four have a solid grasp on which universe they’re in, let alone which country.

Wearing a military-grade gas mask, this reporter ventured into the hostel to get the inside scoop. Through a thick haze of smoke and body odour, he saw a hunched silhouette with an unruly nest of hair.

“Holy FUCK dude, what’s on your head?” the dreadlocked guest asked. “Are you, like, half fly, half man? Are you FLYMAN?”

“Oh my god guys,” the man continued, poking his unconscious friends in between bursts of breathless giggling. “It’s Flyman! Flyman is real you guys. I told you, he’s real …”

Stepping over the dreadlocked man, who was now curled up in the foetal position on the floor crying with laughter, this reporter ventured on. In the hostel’s kitchen, a woman was trying to light a three-ounce ball of hashish on the stove and smoke it through a used toilet roll.

As this reporter approached, the woman dropped the smouldering ball of hash and looked up at him through the toilet roll.

“Hey Mr Flyman, I KNEW you were real! Here, here, look at this!” she slurred pointing to a badge on her chest.

“I’m the M-A-N-G-E-R. If you wanna stay here, it’ll cost me 20 bucks a night,” she continued, fumbling for her wallet and pulling out a few notes at random. “Wait, no … How does money work? I’m too high to remember. Haha! Just take it anyway.”

“It’s a good thing we’re in Amsterdam right now. This is totally illegal in India where I’m from,” she added as her hair started to catch on fire.

At press time, this reporter had started feeling really, REALLY good after noticing a leak in his gas mask …