“Spiritually rich” traveller swears after checking bank balance

A self-declared “spiritually rich” traveller has unleashed a tirade of profanity after realising she has negative €23 in her bank account, witnesses have confirmed.

Hitchhiker, couchsurfer, and all-round free spirit Gretel Schneider was in her hostel common room when she made the grim discovery. Just minutes earlier she had smugly lectured her roommates about being too materialistic.

“FAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!” Schneider was overhead screaming after checking her online banking. “No no no no no, this is not right at all! You piece of shit, Gretel. How could you be so fucking stupid??”

After desperately trying to call her parents, 22-year-old Schneider – whose Instagram bio reads “I want memories, not money” – began scrambling through her bag in search of cash. She found €1.65 in loose change. When a fellow guest cheekily reminded her that she was still a spiritually rich traveller, Schneider burst into tears.

“This isn’t fucking funny,” she growled through heavy sobs. “I have to get from China back to Germany, you bastard.”

“I’ll have to … hitchhike the whole way!” she added with horror.

At publication time, everything had turned out okay because Gretel’s rich mummy had sent her €1000, which she promptly spent on a one-way ticket to Brazil to “continue the adventure!”