Cersei Lannister claims responsibility for Notre Dame fire

Addressing millions of her new subjects from atop an ornate marble balcony in central Paris, Cersei Lannister has declared that it was she who masterminded the terrible fire that ravaged Notre Dame cathedral on Monday.

Having eliminated all her sworn enemies in one fell swoop with the devious plan, Queen Cersei swiftly seized control of the Seven Continents. The newly crowned monarch used her first public appearance to issue a warning to all those who would disobey her.

“I’ve done this before and I’ll do it again!” declared Queen Cersei, who pulled off a similar plot a few years ago when she blew up a culturally significant cathedral on a nearby island.

Your false gods died the moment the spire of Notre Dame collapsed. I am your one true god now!

As she surveyed her new dominion, Queen Cersei wasted little time declaring herself the absolute ruler of the Seven Continents. She then embarked on a far-right tirade about the dangers of socialism and immigration.

“For too long, the filthy peasants of this world have lived in utter contempt of their true rulers. Well, today I claim the Seven Continents for myself. All who stand in my way do not yet know what true pain is!” Queen Cersei decreed. “Fear not – I shall protect you from the foreign enemies who surround us. But in return, you shall give me everything: your worldly possessions, your souls, and above all else, your loyalty.”

“The gods have no mercy. That’s why they’re gods … and that’s why I have destroyed them all!”

At publication time, witnesses reported that a second blonde queen was considering starting a few fires of her own.

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