Wanderlust becomes regular lust as backpacker’s dry spell reaches 13 months

A backpacker who hasn’t got any in over a year has lost all interest in the “wanderlust” that motivated him to travel and is now entirely consumed by good old sexual lust, The Tragic Traveller can confirm.

Norwegian backpacker Joachim Gesundersen hasn’t had any action since a drunken hook-up in Auckland 13 months ago. The 25-year-old said he’s been caught in a “dry patch bigger than the Sahara” since he started travelling.

“I need it so bad,” Gesundersen told The Tragic Traveller. “Don’t get me wrong, travelling is great and all. But it’s hard to enjoy taking pictures of historical buildings when your entire body is aching for the touch of another human being.”

My balls are as blue as the lagoon I visited yesterday.

Since last year’s sexcapade, a series of near misses has pushed the Norwegian to the edge. Gesundersen described his most recent failure as “the ultimate cock-block from God.”

“It was low season, so I’d had this four-person dorm room to myself for like a week. Then on the Monday night I finally managed to get someone to come home with me.”

“It was like 2 am and we were just starting to undress each other. Then these three Japanese girls walk in, turn on the light, and just start screaming at the top of their lungs. I’m standing there butt naked, bursting at the seams, and the guy I was about to hook up with just runs.

“That’s right, it was a guy,” he added. “I’m a 25-year-old gay man with a smartphone and I can’t get laid. I’m not sure whether it’s my looks or my personality. It’s probably both.”

At publication time, Gesundersen confirmed he was cursed after receiving a notification that Grindr had shut down his account.