Congratulations on buying your first home! I live in a tent

Dear Greg and Sally,

I’m so happy for you guys! You’ve worked so hard over so many years, and now it’s all paid off with the purchase of your first house. As I write this postcard from inside my one-man tent in Belarus, I can’t help but feel a sense of pride at what you’ve achieved.

To think that a decade ago the three of us were just cheeky high school students smoking bongs down behind the sheds. Our lives have changed so much since then! Nowadays, the two of you are successful young professionals earning six-figure salaries and expecting your first child. And I smoke bongs with different people on the other side of the world!

Stability is so important when you’re starting a family. I should know – I’ve been deported from seven different countries for overstaying my visa. I’d love to go visit a couple of my illegitimate sons, but unfortunately I can’t re-enter the EU for 10 years.

Sally, I hope this postcard isn’t too awkward considering we used to date. I know you were really bummed that we didn’t get to go exploring the world together after you dumped me. But I hope the fact that you now own an inner-city property with your lawyer husband is some consolation.

Greg, I also wanted to congratulate you on your recent promotion. I’m sure criminals all across the city will be trembling in their boots knowing that you’re prosecuting their cases. The Beloved Leader of my commune recently granted me shower access, so things are looking up for me, too.

Anyway, I should get going; the Ration Master is about to fill up the feeding trough, and I don’t want to miss out on my slops. Once again, I’m so happy for the both of you. And I’m truly glad that we’ve remained friends, even after one of you stabbed me in the back and the other broke my heart.

So, if I had my time again, would I still drop out of med school to travel the world? No. God no. What have I done with my life???

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