Sad scenes are unfolding at the Spewing Spider Hostel in Krakow, where a mass check-in of German schoolchildren is threatening to kill the upcoming weekend of backpacker debauchery before it has even begun.
The Spewing Spider has a well-earned reputation for boozy behaviour and carnal sin, thanks to roughly 70% of its guests being Australian. However, the hostel appears to have betrayed its guests’ trust by allowing the 60-strong group of high school students to sleep in its dorms over the next two days.
One official source confirmed that this is technically legal due to the lack of formal age restrictions when booking. However, he added that the government wants to change the law to stop managers from pulling this kind of “dick move” in the future. Furious guests at the hostel agree that something must be done.
“I laughed too loud and their teacher actually shushed me. I’m 27 for Christ’s sake!” one incurably Irish backpacker told our reporters. “I mean, I get that they’re technically allowed to stay here. But this hostel’s reviews all say shit like ‘vommed in toilet 10/10’ and ‘I didn’t even know I was in Poland.’ What was that idiot teacher thinking when she chose to bring them here for a school trip?”
Another backpacker, who wished to remain anonymous, elaborated on the drama. “All I wanted was to get extremely drunk and for things to get weird, like backpackers in the first 10 minutes of a horror movie,” he said, “Now the receptionist is telling us there’s a 9 pm curfew because the little shits are going to a museum tomorrow morning.”
“Who even goes to a museum in the morning?” the backpacker continued through a mouthful of pierogi. “Everyone knows the only way to see a city is to get extremely drunk, roll out of bed at two in the afternoon, and drag yourself on a free walking tour. That’s culture.”
One of eighth-graders who talked to The Tragic Traveller appeared oblivious to the disruption she and her friends had caused.
“To be honest, I’m disappointed at how boring all these backpackers are,” she said. “My friends and I are 14-year-old Germans, so we drink and do drugs all the time. Why are these people so lame?”