A pair of newlyweds have paid homage to the good old days by getting utterly wankered on cheap tequila during their honeymoon in Cancun.
Lovebirds Melissa and Igor Kaprikov-Durren hit the sauce hard last night after realising they’d become fucking boring recently. The Texan couple made a mutual decision to have at it after coming across a dive bar that reminded them of where they used to do tequila slammers with the uni crew on a Saturday night.
“We used to be so much fun,” Melissa slurred while holding a bag of frozen peas against her forehead. “Igor used to lift me up on his shoulders at punk gigs. I used to write love poems on the back of coasters and slip them in his pocket. We just felt so free, you know?”
“Then we moved in together, got a financial adviser, bought a bread-maker … and now we’re married. It’s like, what happened to the old Mel and Iggy?”
Melissa said she and her new hubby had polished off more than two bottles of Jose Cuervo on the eight-hour bender. Wiping away some of the mascara that had trickled down her cheek, she talked about how liberating the night had been.
“All it took to rediscover our former selves was 26 standard drinks each,” she said.
Cheap tequila brought us together seven years ago, and once again it’s made our relationship stronger.
From his position hunched over the toilet bowl in the couple’s Scandi-style Airbnb, Igor confirmed with a thumbs up that the large night out was worth the crippling hangover.
Witnesses later told The Tragic Traveller that Melissa and Igor had been so plastered they spent most of the night accidentally making out with strangers, not each other. Everyone who was there agreed it was probably a good thing they didn’t remember anything this morning.