Distraught leftie won’t be coming home to Australia for another three years

Yesterday’s shock election result saw Australia’s incumbent right-wing government hold onto power against all odds. In response, one distraught leftie has vowed to remain overseas for another three years “until Australia gets its shit together.”

Speaking from an independent coffee roastery in the alternative Copenhagen neighbourhood of Christiania, the Melbourne native – who identified herself only as ‘Sage’ – told The Tragic Traveller she couldn’t bear to set foot on a country that would vote Scott Morrison back into power. Sage said she’d been living in Copenhagen since the Liberal party had formed government on September 7, 2013.

“I disowned Australia when Tony Abbott won,” the gluten-sensitive, lactose-intolerant vegan said, sobbing loudly. “The very next day I bought a one-way ticket to Denmark. I haven’t been back since, and I won’t return until we kick those fascists out of government!”

The left-leaning Labor party was a heavy favourite to regain power after two terms in opposition. Despite being miles ahead in the polls, Bill Shorten’s team somehow managed to lose the unloseable election. Now, die-hard lefties like Sage will have to wait another three years until they can come home.

As her hot tears splashed freely down into her deconstructed single-origin soy latte, Sage admitted she was so sure the left-wing party would win that she’d already paid for her flight back to Melbourne.

“I spent $2000 on a last-minute ticket,” said the distraught leftie, who by this stage was weeping uncontrollably. “But there’s no way I could go back home now. If I had any friends, they’d judge me for abandoning my principles.”

“Looks like another three years of eating pickles in the rain …”

Sage later revealed she hadn’t voted because “the system is fucked anyway.”