An Australian man who has worked tirelessly throughout his twenties to get ahead on the corporate ladder has tonight drowned nearly a decade’s worth of stress with a single Miller Light beer, The Tragic Traveller can confirm.
Taking his first holiday since early 2011, Melbourne-based office drone Gary Forster-Phillips is officially on track for a large one tonight. Having already finished one-third of his Miller Light before 8 pm, Forster-Phillips said he could potentially squeeze as many as two more in before heading up to bed at 10:30.
“I wouldn’t normally drink on a Tuesday, but hey, I’m on holiday. Why not go a bit wild?” chuckled Forster-Phillips, already slightly tipsy from 15 mL of the 4.2% beverage. “You’re only in Iowa once!”
During his much-anticipated break to the American Midwest, the workaholic was looking forward to checking out a local office supplies store and potentially taking a tour of the Des Moines printing press. Despite all these fun activities, he was struggling to adjust to his first week off in more than eight years.
“I’ve still been checking my email a few times a day and helping with the quarterly reports from over here,” he admitted. “The boss told me not to worry about it, but I’d feel bad letting them pick up all the slack.”
“I wouldn’t want let the team down,” he added, seemingly unaware that nothing he does at work matters whatsoever.
After finishing his first light beer, Forster-Phillips had reportedly begun getting emotional at the bar. Several neat whiskeys later, witnesses heard him muttering “the nine-to-five grind is KILLING me.” He then grabbed at his lower back, where he suffers chronic pain caused by years of hunching over a desk.
At publication time, a visibly drunk Forster-Phillips had begun asking strangers for “drugs – all the drugs you’ve got!” in a situation witnesses described as having “escalated quickly.”