Federal police today held an emergency press conference to warn the American public about four teenagers travelling around the country in a brightly painted panel van. According to police, the self-declared vigilantes aren’t solving mysteries, but are actually in the midst of a horrific crime spree.
The quartet and their Great Dane have received plenty of positive press coverage for their role in bringing scores of alleged offenders to justice using unorthodox crime-solving methods. But last week, new evidence came to light proving that their heroic acts were nothing more than a scam.
“For what seems like years, we’ve treated these teens and their dog like heroes,” an FBI spokesman said. “However, police have uncovered damning new DNA evidence that proves these teenagers have been masterfully framing janitors and security guards across the nation to cover up their spree of thefts and drug-related crimes.”
Police have now formally charged the gang with a litany of offences and are instigating a nation-wide manhunt.
“You name a crime, these kids have committed it,” the spokesperson said. “They’re guilty of everything from grand theft auto and vandalism to drug smuggling and animal abuse. The trace evidence in that van alone would be enough to earn them multiple life sentences.”
“These sick bastards have been doping their dog with marijuana-laced snacks for years,” he added. “No wonder the poor thing thinks it can talk.”
Shortly before publication, the press conference was interrupted by four spooky ghosts, the tallest of whom told everyone to “GET YOUR ASSES DOWN ON THE FLOOR – THIS IS A FUCKIN’ STICK-UP, MAN!” The ghosts then took the FBI spokesperson hostage and dragged him into their hastily spray-painted black van.