Having spent the past year toiling away without a break, an Amazonian parasite living just below the surface of the world’s second-longest river can’t wait to take her next holiday up an unsuspecting tourist’s urethra.
The middle-aged candiru fish, who has spent the past 12 months embedded in the gills of a much larger fish, said she desperately needed to get away for a few weeks. Having heard only good things about the weather and choice of accommodation, she’s decided to splash out and visit a human destination this summer.
“A change of scenery would be lovely,” the candiru fish said whimsically. “Last year, my best friend visited the inside of a British woman who went swimming in the Amazon wearing a G-string. She raved about the warm climate, rich selection of cuisine, and cosy accommodation. I figured a place like that would be perfect for a getaway with the family!”
Candiru fish swim up the urethrae of tourists who are stupid enough to piss in the Amazon river. Once they make it up the pee pipe, they embed themselves into the urethra’s soft inner wall using their sharp spines. This causes the human host excruciating pain and requires emergency surgery.
While the candiru fish still wasn’t sure exactly which human she’d visit, she was looking forward to some time off.
“Everything’s packed, the boss has approved my leave. All we need now is to find the right destination,” the Amazonian parasite said. “I’ve heard wind that a few American men who’ve been smoking ayahuasca by the bowlful will be passing this way in the next day or so. I’m sure one of them has the perfect urethra for me and my family!”
A few hours after her interview with The Tragic Traveller, the candiru fish had settled upon her dream destination: a Californian teenager named Randy who doesn’t have travel insurance.