After watching his beloved team get pounded by England in yesterday’s World Cup semi-final, a heartbroken Aussie cricket fan has chosen the lesser of two evils by opting to support New Zealand in the final.
The touring Aussie die-hard – known only as “Wazza” – made the gut-wrenching decision after performing a “dickhead analysis” on both remaining teams. Wazza concluded the New Zealand squad’s cuntiness factor of 96% wasn’t quite as bad as England’s 99.7%. As such, he reluctantly decided to support his Antipodean neighbours in the cricket by dyeing the stars on his Australian flag red to match New Zealand’s clearly inferior design.
“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” a distraught Wazza told The Tragic Traveller. “I’ve spent my entire life making fun of Kiwis for their ridiculous accent and sheep-shagging tendencies. It would kill me to have to acknowledge them as world champions for the next four years.”
“But on the other hand, fuck England. Just fuck them for all eternity,” he added, wiping an angry tear off his painted cheek.
“I’ve weighed up the pros and cons of supporting the two countries I despise the most and decided to go with the one whose flag looks like a cheap knock-off of ours. It doesn’t even have all the stars, for fuck’s sake.”
Having been sucked in by Australia’s commanding performance in the group stage, Wazza made the mistake of purchasing two tickets to the World Cup final at Lord’s for 500 quid a pop. He’ll now spend his Sunday watching the two teams he hates most battle for the ultimate cricketing glory, knowing he could have easily spent that money on booze and drugs instead.
“I’m fucking shattered, mate,” the heartbroken Aussie cricket fan said. “If only we hadn’t lost all those early wickets, then bowled like complete spuds. It could have been so different…”