Travelling spiritual healer somehow makes enough money to justify ridiculous life choices

Mystified observers remain confused about how a travelling spiritual healer who spends more than 300 days a year on the road manages to finance her carefree lifestyle despite offering literally nothing of value to society.

Self-proclaimed “soul doctor” Kathleen Scheister travels from town to town offering “shakra readjustments” out of the back of her van. Despite having no qualifications, the crystal-wielding hippie – who was born in New Zealand but considers herself “a citizen of the world” – seems perfectly comfortable describing her hobby of pressing crystals on people’s foreheads as a “vocation.”

Based on the amount she spend on petrol, organic kale, and beads, it seems to be working.

“Nothing about her business model makes sense,” one of her few Instagram followers who isn’t an outspoken anti-vaxxer said. “From the evidence I’ve seen, all her customers seem to pay her in massages or yoga lessons. Yet somehow she can afford to travel the world for years on end working seven hours a week.”

With an average of six likes for every picture she posts of a purple crystal resting on an attractive young woman’s spine, it’s clear Scheister isn’t a social media influencer. But that doesn’t stop her from behaving like one.

“I just saw a post saying she’s about to embark on a ‘European tour,'” another follower told The Tragic Traveller. “What the actual fuck? Surely nobody over there is stupid enough to pay €35 for a ‘spirit cleanse’ from a college dropout, right?”

“That woman should get a real job that slowly kills her on the inside, just like the rest of us.”

At publication time, the travelling spiritual healer was magically relieving another client of pain caused by excess cash in their wallet.