Couchsurfing hosts can’t wait to meet you, show you around town, harvest your organs

Those friendly Couchsurfing hosts who agreed to put you up in their spare room are super excited to get to know you – and your blood type – when you arrive at their house tomorrow night.

Your 46-year-old host, Matt, and his 43-year-old wife, Tracy, are both primary school teachers from Des Moines. They listen to Coldplay, go to church on Sundays, and eat boiled asparagus with every meal.

And every few months, they supplement their shitty salaries by luring an unsuspecting Couchsurfer into their web and stealing his or her vital organs to sell on the black market.

Excited to confirm the deal that would finally pay off his mortgage, Matt got in touch with you earlier today.

“My wife and I can’t wait for you to arrive in Iowa!” Matt wrote to you via the CS app. “We’re going to cook up a big barbecue in your honour, then we’ll give you a tour of our friendly little city on Friday.”

“And that evening we’ll knock you out with chloroform, slice you open, and remove your left kidney so we can sell it on the dark web for $85,000.” Matt deleted that last bit before pressing send.

Nothing about Matt’s 54 positive Couchsurfing reviews would suggest that he’s just in it for the black-market organs. That’s because the skilled hacker has faked every one of his reviews since relieving María from Guatemala of her liver in 2013. Then again, some alarming phrasing on his profile probably should have raised some red flags.

“You’ll never be the same once you’ve left this place!” his profile reads. “Tracy and I like to think we keep a part of every guest right here with us.”

At publication time, your Couchsurfing hosts had just headed down to Walmart to buy about one bathtub’s worth of ice.

Happy travels!