Satan offers Sudanese general who seized power by massacring hundreds an all-expenses-paid trip to Hell
The Devil has caused headlines today by moving to recruit Sudan’s interim military dictator, General Mohamed Hamdan Dagalo, to Hell. This is despite the fact that the general – known by his nickname, Himedti – would appear to have several decades of ruining on people’s lives on Earth ahead of him.
Sources closed to Satan have revealed that he made the offer last month after the Sudanese general ordered his men to gun down peaceful protesters in Khartoum. The massacre occurred on June 3, just as the holy month of Ramadan was coming to an end. Himedti’s roops reportedly threw the bodies of men, women, and children into the Nile.
The move was so callous that the Dark Lord had to take notice, even if the Western media didn’t.
It’s not the first time Himedti has been involved in atrocities. In the early 2000s, the then-warlord led a paramilitary militia believed to be heavily involved in the genocide in Darfur. His willingness to use child soldiers and claim victims of all ages was particularly pleasing to Satan.
“I’d never normally make an offer like this to a living person,” the Dark Lord reportedly told Himedti over Skype. “But you’ve shown such a great willingness to slaughter innocents for your own personal gain over a number of years. I know you’ll be a great fit for Team Hell.”
“We’ve recruited some really exciting talent over the past few years, including Jimmy Savile and Kim Jong-il,” he continued. “And we’re pretty sure Robert Mugabe will be joining us in the next couple of months.”
Under the co-captaincy of Hitler and Pol Pot, we’re putting together a really strong team. We think it would be perfect for a heartless bastard such as yourself.
Himedti rose to power suddenly after the fall of President Omar al-Bashir’s regime, becoming the vice of the transitional military council and gaining control over the country. Its widely believed that wealthy Gulf countries like Saudi Arabia and the UAE were involved in al-Bashir’s downfall and have failed to intervene – or even encouraged – the subsequent violence in Sudan.
Since June 3, Sudan has effectively been in lockdown. Everyday life has come to a standstill.
Himedti’s transitional military council has also blocked citizens’ access to the internet, making it almost impossible for those affected to tell the world what’s happening. A Sudanese diaspora group named Sudan Rise has been working with the few locals who do have access to communications to document the atrocities.
But while the world has largely ignored the events, Satan has been following the situation closely. He remains keen for Himedti to embark on this once-in-a-lifetime trip directly to the Underworld.
“If you’re interested, we’ll pay for your one-way ticket, your accommodation, and provide you with unlimited souls to torture for the rest of eternity,” he told Himedti. “How does that sound?”
“I will warn you in advance, though – it gets pretty hot down here,” Satan added with a chuckle.
The Tragic Traveller approached Satan’s fierce rival, God, for comment on the unorthodox move. Our Almighty Lord and Saviour said that, despite his bitter rivalry with Beelzebub, he was happy to give up on this one.
“Mate, Satan can do what he likes with Himedti,” said The Holy Father. “That bloke would have to cure cancer like seven times over to qualify for Heaven from this point.”
Several weeks on from the offer, Himedti was reportedly still weighing up his options. Sources say he’s unsure how effective a cunt he’ll be in Hell, and is worried he’ll be starved for opportunity with the likes of Stalin and Genghis Khan competing for spots in the team.
