“I hate tourists!” says tourist

A whiny little hipster traveller has surprised nobody today by declaring that she hates tourists. This is despite the fact that she is, in every measurable way, a fucking tourist.

Janelle Le Bouchon, a 21-year-old “independent explorer” from Canada, made the brave declaration while waiting in line for Ann Frank’s house in Amsterdam. She perceptively pointed out that tourists are ruining Amsterdam while remaining blissfully unaware that she’s contributing to the problem, not solving it.

“I can’t believe we have to wait behind all these jokers,” she scowled, loudly enough to draw upset looks from several people in the line. “They’re all here for the selfies, but I have a genuine interest in Ann Frank’s story!”

Indeed, Janelle’s interest in Ann Frank began and ended with a seven-page excerpt of the young girl’s diary, which she had to read for her high school history class. Since then she’s thought about the poor girl exactly once: this morning, while trawling through Amsterdam’s official tourist website for ideas of how to kill a day when you have a massive weed hangover.

However, her tenuous connection with local history didn’t stop her from disingenuously taking the moral high ground. She continued to spout her anti-tourist vitriol throughout her tour.

“These mindless drones who’ve come here just because TripAdvisor told them to should be ashamed of themselves,” she said, rolling her eyes. After all, she hadn’t found this attraction on TripAdvisor like everyone else. She’d used the Lonely Planet website, which everyone knows is for real travellers.

This place used to be a memorial to the horrors of war. But now it’s just, like, swamped with tourists who don’t even care. Not me though. I’m different.

After her harrowing experience among the swarms of tourists, Janelle decided it was time to stick her middle finger up to the mainstream system. She did this by going to one of Amsterdam’s hundreds of state-approved coffee shops and eating a marijuana-filled space cake, just like literally ever other fucking tourist.