That bloke with the really intense eyes who works at your hostel isn’t buying the whole Greta Thunberg climate change bullshit for a second, multiple sources have confirmed.
As he’ll happily declare to any guest who happens to mention politics, nature, or the weather in passing, receptionist Jayden Widgeseeker – known to most as “Jagga” – has some excellent information that Greta’s rise to fame is the doing of “them fucken’ Illuminati puppetmasters.”
While his comments have riled up more than a few guests, Jagga isn’t backing down from his theories.
“Fair dinkum mate, get yourself informed. There’s evidence all over the internet; she’s a fucken’ lizard,” the Townsville-based receptionist told The Tragic Traveller. “It’s the eyes mate, always the eyes. That’s how ya can tell.”
“No way a 16-year-old could organise all that UN shit ‘ey,” Jagga added, ashing into a can of XXXX that was still about one-third full. “She’s just another space reptile in league with Obama and all them other shapeshifters. It’s a fucken’ conspiracy mate.”
Finding some kind of perverse enjoyment in the trash coming out of Jagga’s mouth, several hostel guests egged the receptionist on to share more of his outlandish opinions.
“You know them stickers they put on apples? Laced with plutonium mate. You’d be better off going for a swim at Chernobyl than eating a Granny Smith.”
He let that line hang for a second before bursting out into laughter. “I’m just messing with youse cunts,” Jagga said, grinning. “Chernobyl was a black-flag cover-up. Never happened mate.”