“Je parlay fronsay” says English girl who absolutely cannot speak French

A lass from Birmingham who took two years of French in high school incorrectly believes she’s bilingual, sources have confirmed.

Born-and-bred Brummie Jessie Lawrence – who has an infuriating habit of pronouncing her surname “Lorronce” – is currently holidaying in Paris. In just three days, she’s brought hundreds of locals to tears with her appalling French.

“Jay voo un caffay aveck le sugar,” Jessie reportedly asked a horrified waiter in a local cafe this morning. “Ay un pan o shocolat sill voo plaiz. Sa coutay combi-an?”

Despite receiving negative reactions from every single local she’s talked to, Jessie doesn’t seem to have a clue that her French sucks balls. Even when people reply to her in perfect English, she insists on spouting out gibberish Franglais in response.

“It’s like speaking to someone with a concussion and a speech impediment,” the distraught receptionist at Jessie’s hostel told The Tragic Traveller. “I mean, we love the fact that she’s trying. But at a certain point it’s just upsetting to hear our language get so painfully slaughtered in front of us.”

At publication time, Jessie had taken things to the next level by trying out some of her favourite French pick-up lines on local men. Witnesses at one of Paris’s fanciest clubs said they saw a man full-on vomit after Jessie asked him “Voolay voo cooshay aveck mwa se swa?”