Tonight, streets have come alive with the voices of the people. It’s not a parade, nor even a protest, but something much more special: pissed Brits.
Surprising absolutely nobody, a group of British tourists visiting Riga have started to chant out a few standards immediately after getting a bit of piss in them. The fact that they’re in a residential street in the middle of a national capital is, of course, not going to slow their passion or their volume.
As mandated by international law, all pub crawls must include at least three English lads who, by custom, need to begin loudly singing in the streets after the second pub. Nobody knows precisely why British people do this or why they think this is a normal thing to do. All that’s known is that Eastern European cities will be hearing “You’ll Never Walk Alone” every single day and night until the EU finally manages to get rid of the fuckers.
The boys had been drinking at the Giggly Giraffe Hostel before joining today’s ambitious 10 am bar crawl. Though they were initially strangers, the lads quickly realised they share interests in footy, beer, and lasses. From that moment on they’ve been inseparable. At some point, they decided the best way to express their bond as travellers and Englishmen was to start singing extremely loudly.
Local homeowners have had their morning interrupted by an off-key and mostly shouted version of “Boom Boom Boom” by the Vengaboys. Though several have tried to defend their homeland and civilised routines by throwing glass bottles at the noisy tourists, the English boys continue to dismiss this as “banter, haha.”
Liam, the instigator of today’s rendition of “Angels” by Robbie Williams, has had an on-par four beers so far and is feeling a bit merry. “Wooo!”, he told The Tragic Traveller, “Latvia is fucking ace!”
Ryan, another member of the group wearing a customary polo shirt and brogues, said “I just met these lads, but they’re mint mate!” He then started to sing some weird regional football chant to the tune of “This Night Has Opened My Eyes” by The Smiths, which the others somehow knew.
Not everyone present has joined in. Lisa, the designated shepherd of the hostel bar crawl, was less impressed. “Every. Fucking. Time.” she said. “We should just muzzle English people after their second beer. It’d make the world a better place.”
Just before publication, the Brits were all seen at a just-opened pub attempting to talk to the same poor barmaid at the same time. Their pulling success has been described as extremely limited.