When Australian labourer Trystan Murkhin told his parents he was heading off on a gap year at the age of 23, they were rightfully suspicious. They knew their wrong’un of a son wasn’t going to be coming home any time soon.
Now, four-and-a-bit years later, they’ve been proven correct. Trystan is still bumming around Europe doing god knows what, pissing away his folks’ hard-earned Deal Or No Deal money.
“From the moment she insisted we spell his name with a ‘y,’ I told Sharyn this kid would be a dropkick,” Trystan’s father Derryn told The Tragic Traveller. “He could’ve followed in my footsteps and become a successful bin man. But no, the little tosser decided to ‘expand his mind’ in Portugal.”
We know that’s code for doing drugs, by the way. We’re not idiots.
Although Trystan sends semi-regular messages letting his parents know he’s “still alive” and “getting by on a few gigs here and there,” they don’t really have a clue what he’s actually up to.
“He’s probably squatting but too ashamed to admit it. Why doesn’t he just suck it up and come back home? He’s always welcome to sleep on the mattress in the spare room of our bungalow in Frankston.”
After a bit of digging, The Tragic Traveller discovered that Trystan had in fact been supporting himself by working as a part-time stock photo model and was dating Penelope Cruz’s niece, who was also really helping him get his music career off the ground.
He didn’t want to tell his parents how successful his gap year had been because he was worried they might come to visit. And he didn’t want them meeting Veronica because… we’ll, you wouldn’t, would you?