Pilot pops off for scheduled break during catastrophic engine fire

A pilot for Australia’s largest airline has today stuck to his guns and taken his scheduled 15-minute break on a Hawaii-Sydney flight despite both the plane’s engines being on fire and the plane itself being stuck in a critical nosedive. 

Captain Scud Morrisey, 51, said he had booked his break “months ago” and it would be extremely inconvenient to cancel his trip to the bathroom at such late notice. He reiterated that he was being briefed regularly on the plane’s crash status while he was relaxing on the toilet. 

“I don’t understand what the big deal is,” Morrisey told The Tragic Traveller via emergency radio. “The engine fires have already been burning for minutes. There’s nothing more I can do from my position.”

My co-pilot is perfectly capable of handling the situation while I’m away.

Morrisey then chided younger passengers for spreading “needless anxiety” about the trajectory of the plane. 

“Engine fires are a natural part of the air travel ecosystem. There’s nothing to suggest these fires are any different from the engine failures of the past. Those passengers who have been complaining about me and my flight crew should get back to their in-flight entertainment.” 

Just under 50% of the passengers on board were furious that their pilot had abandoned them during a crisis. However, the remainder felt he’d been working really hard and deserved a break, no big deal. 

Captain Morrisey later apologised for any upset his absence may have caused, although he never actually admitted wrongdoing. Classic pilot move.

At publication time, sources confirmed that it didn’t matter because everybody aboard the plane was fucked anyway.