“New year, new me,” mumbles backpacker coming down from week-long bender on January 7

One traveller’s new year’s resolution has come a week late after a booze- and drug-fuelled bender got his 2020 off to a very sloppy start.

Matty, 23, is a Kiwi backpacker living la vida loca in London. Since he’s been there, he’s spent roughly 120% of his seven-pound-an-hour bartending salary on alcohol, fast food, and drugs. 

This extravagant lifestyle built up to a week-long bender that started at 11 pm on New Year’s Eve at a warehouse in Peckham. It culminated about half an hour ago as Matty crawled into bed in his shared room above a pub in Croydon.

Since arriving home, Matty has sworn never to drink or do drugs again. 

“Fuck this for a laugh,” he muttered to no one in particular. “Get me on a juice cleanse ‘ey.”

He made a January 7 resolution to quit his clearly unhealthy bartending job, stop partying, and cut down to like five ciggies a day. 

“New year, new me,” he said just seconds before vomiting last night’s kebab onto his pillow. He proceeded to fall asleep on said pillow.

At publication time, Matty’s resolve had been severely challenged by a text message from his friendly neighbourhood drug dealer.

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