French skier Robert Capet is upset. Not because the idiot at the rental shop set his bindings wrong, nor because the Canadian resort he’s visiting callously allowed a cloud to float over the ski field. He’s pissed off at the skier’s natural rival: the snowboarder.
“Putain! Get out of ze fucking way!” he shouted at a boarder sitting about five metres off to the side of the lift exit.
Due to the fact that snowboarders need to stop briefly after getting off the lifts — to attach their bindings safely — there is a fair amount of animosity from the skiers who have to stop behind them. Capet has, for many years, made it his personal mission to abuse every single one of these people daring to delay him for a microsecond before he does another extremely bland run.
“Snowboarders do not understand zat we share zese slopes,” he said to our snow sports reporter, who was stuck on the T-Bar with him. “Zey should act more like me — go outrageously fast all ze time until we inevitably maul a six-year-old.”
“I didn’t pay $7,000 for a ski holiday to navigate around other people slightly,” he continued, “I paid zat much so I could gun it 75 mph down all ze easiest runs on the mountain over and over again.”
I ‘ave to spend about three seconds navigating around zese idiots. I even ‘ave to turn! As a long-time skier I no longer know ‘ow to turn because all I do is straight line blue pistes.
“Snowboarders are inconsiderate. Zey push all the snow to the side and ice up ze trails, which ruins it for everyone else” he added, conveniently forgetting that skiers like him routinely fuck up the tracks so badly that it becomes an Olympic-level feat to ride them.
Our reporter joined Robert on a run — which happened to be straight through a terrain park. As an advanced piste skier, Robert neither knows nor cares about park etiquette. So, naturally, he just sped past everyone who was waiting to drop in on the jump.
“Hey, moron!” shouted resident liftie-turned-park-rat Stinky, who Robert cut off. “Don’t snake the line!”