Lonely backpacker wonders what it’d be like to have a girlfriend, job, home, savings, support network, purpose, career path, sex life, sense of self worth

Valentine’s Day can be tough on those who are yet to find their soulmate, or at least someone who isn’t physically repulsed by them. Reheating the leftovers of yesterday’s microwave meal for two when everybody you know is off at a fancy restaurant gazing into the eyes of their one true love is nobody’s idea of fun.

Long-term traveller Timmy O’Tooligan is one such lonely heart. Tonight, while seemingly everyone else in his hostel is engaging in some kind of wild Valentine’s-themed sex romp, Timmy has been left to ponder what it would be like to have a woman to hold.

Or some money. Or an emotional support network. A sense of direction in life would be nice, too.

“It’s Valentine’s Day and once again I’m single,” mumbled the man, who’s also broke, homeless, friendless, chronically undersexed, and generally lost. “I just think I need some love in my life,” he added, although a healthy diet, some professional counselling, and greatly improved hygiene standards are much more pressing needs.

As if by fate, Timmy’s sad soliloquy was interrupted by a Facebook friend request from a large-breasted woman with an incomprehensible name. Ignoring the obviousness of this catfish situation, Timmy immediately accepted, demonstrating that he also lacks basic judgment skills.

After just a few minutes of conversation in severely broken English, Timmy was zipping up his jacket and heading out the door.

“Shaelith’qua is in my area and she wants to meet up. I’m in, mate!”

And that’s how Timmy spent his Valentine’s Day getting mugged by two large Armenian men outside a service station toilet.

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