JUST LIKE CORONAVIRUS: Derrick has now spread to more than 40 countries

There’s a new plague sweeping your hostel. It’s already been to more than 40 countries and it’s spreading fast. It’s making everyone in its proximity feel queasy and turn an awful shade of pale green. Those affected by it begin shivering uncontrollably until sweet death comes to offer them relief. 

No, it’s not coronavirus. It’s Derrick. 

Derrick is known in traveller jargon as “the fucking worst.” He combines the perfect storm of misplaced self-confidence, extroversion, and being insufferably boring in one smug-faced package. 

Despite global governmental and media efforts to stop the spread of Derrick from country to country, the human virus has somehow arrived in your dorm room. 

“Have you been to Iran?” the one-man pandemic asked one of your fellow hostel guests, who was already beginning to turn pale. “Because I have. I just really like those off-the-beaten-track places, you know?” 

I guess I’ll keep travelling until everyone in the world has caught the Derrick bug haha.

The human form of the facemask emoji continued on in this fashion for three more excruciating hours, at which point all those who’d been exposed to him were displaying symptoms such as extreme drowsiness, intense headaches, nausea, and a sense of impending doom. 

UPDATE: Shortly after publication, a team of concerned scientists contacted The Tragic Traveller. They had noticed the direct correlation between places Derrick had travelled and the spread of coronavirus.

The scientists released this statement:

“It seems that, despite not showing any symptoms himself, Derrick is what we call a ‘supercarrier by personality.’ That means just a single conversation with this extremely dangerous man can cause serious illness or even death. Given that he’s already been to more than 40 countries and is spreading fast, the situation is dire.”

The world must unite to take urgent action against Derrick.