Ewww! Nobody at this Melbourne hostel has wiped their arse for five days

Coronavirus is spreading across the world at an alarming rate. But more concerning than the virus itself is the panic accompanying it. 

The wholesale madness is turning people who were already dangerously stupid into outright fucking morons. In Australia, this collective idiocy has manifested itself in dumb fucks panic-buying toilet paper. 

Amid the crisis, one group of people has been forgotten: those penniless backpackers who’ve been too busy sightseeing and drinking goon to wait all day at their local supermarket for a four-pack of loo roll. 

The Tragic Traveller’s Australian correspondent went to Melbourne’s Loose Larrikin hostel to find out how these battlers were coping. 

“To be honest mate, I’ve been holding it in since Wednesday,” said Gaz from Liverpool. “None of the staff have been able to find toilet paper for five days. I was planning on waking up at 6 am this morning to go hunting on my own, but then I remembered I’d made plans to smash cones with Mozza until 5:30 am, so that fell through.” 

Gaz shifted very uncomfortably on the couch before adding:

I’m pretty sure the pressure has caused me to develop haemorrhoids at age 20. This really isn’t how I’d imagined my Aussie gap year.

Anne-Marie, a guest from France, had a slightly different take on the issue. 

“This serves you barbarians right!” she said, indignant. “Who in their right mind would remove shit using their hand and an impossibly thin piece of paper?? That just smears the poop across a wider area!” 

“For centuries you have laughed at my people and our bidets, but who’s got the itchy arse now??” 

A few minutes later, Anne-Marie was seen heading to the toilet with a 1.5 L bottle of Mount Franklin spring water and a look of determination.