LIVE: Backpacker sharehouse calls emergency summit on the toilet paper situation

Eleven backpackers living in a sharehouse at 117 Woolgoolga Avenue have, in light of a crisis sweeping Australia, called a house meeting.

The emergency is bigger than the great laundry powder heist of 13/2, or the taxi fare debate of New Year’s Day. Greater even than when Stu went to do farm work but didn’t pay his rent when he left.

The end of days has arrived: Woolies has run out of toilet paper.

Thanks to panic-buying triggered by mass coronavirus quarantines, Australian toilet paper supplies are running low. And nobody is feeling the pinch harder than lazy dipshits in overcrowded backpacker houses.

While it’d usually be Daemon’s turn to buy bog roll, the scale of the emergency has lead to calls for the whole house to pitch into this week’s utilities run. But things are about to get complicated.

Dutch Sebastian, who is actually from Wales (not to be confused with Irish Sebastian who is actually Dutch), has bought toilet paper for the past three weeks, so he’s in no mood to contribute again. Upon hearing this, the four residents of the Italian room walk out in protest, shouting “cazzo” as they leave. Negotiations are at a breaking point.

“Sorry lads,” says Joe, the token Geordie. “I don’t get paid until next Thursday.”

Several of the 11 residents of the three-room sharehouse nod in agreement. Many of their cheapskate cash-in-hand bosses have delayed payment on the basis of “Ah shit, I’ll do it next week.”

“This is fucked,” says Fredrick III. “I don’t even have the right to shit freely in my own home!” It should be noted that Frederick III once took a shit on the bonnet of a stranger’s car at a music festival, then used his girlfriend’s sarong to wipe his arse.

“It’s not your home, it belongs to the landlord, Dave-o,” says notorious bootlicker George, who has just finished his Uber Eats shift. 

“What do you know about home ownership ya fucking Scouser?” interjects Dutch Sebastian.

“Your mum does,” George responds. The group nods in agreement.

According to the latest reports, the residents of Woolgoolga Avenue have decided to scab toilet paper from the pub across the road for the time being. However, it’s too early to tell if this compromise will bring the Italians back to the negotiating table.

More as the story develops.

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