Report: St Patrick’s Day fucking sucks this year
The world is bracing itself for literally the shittiest St Patrick’s Day ever, a new report has confirmed.
Thanks to the Apocalypse – also known as COVID-19 – the idea of even going outside, let alone drinking green beer until 4 am in a crowd of 200 raucous strangers, is currently unthinkable. For backpackers who usually only drink that much four or five times a week, that’s a particularly heavy blow.
Wearing a full HAZMAT suit, The Tragic Traveller‘s lowest-paid correspondent ventured into Ground Zero – a hostel in Milan – to gauge the mood among quarantined backpackers.
“I can’t even go up to women and say ‘Kiss me, I’m Irish!'” complained Dave, who’s from rural Australia. “That’s my go-to Paddy’s Day move.”
Wearing a pair of green undies as an improvised face mask, Dave asked us to judge his special St Patrick’s Day 2020 pickup line.
“Hey sexy, wanna come over here and bump elbows, then maintain a respectful two-metre distance with no prospect of any further physical contact for the rest of the evening?”
Upon receiving the expected reaction, Dave sighed and poured himself a quadruple shot of Jameson. In keeping with tradition, he then washed that down with a six pack of local beer.
