Toilet paper executive quietly buys himself another 200-foot yacht

The coronavirus pandemic is beginning to cripple almost every sector of the global economy. But as they say, one man’s loss is another man’s profit.

One industry that’s booming during this crisis is toilet paper manufacturing. Despite the virus having no impact whatsoever on people’s bowels, dumb fucks are continuing to panic-buy and hoard toilet paper. 

“Mate, we can’t print it fast enough,” Mark A Goldencrack, CEO of Kleenex, told The Tragic Traveller. “I’m giving our marketing department a 30% raise for somehow convincing idiots that toilet paper is the cure to a disease that makes you cough your lungs out.”

Wearing diamond-encrusted glasses and a suit woven from pure gold fibre, Goldencrack then offered our reporter a Cuban cigar, which he lit with a €500 note.

What a time to be alive!

As Goldencrack reclined on his plush daybed of toilet paper, one of his six bikini-clad ‘aides’ approached.

“Sir, just confirming that your purchase of the Golden Floater has gone through. Shall I have her docked next to your other yachts?”

“Jolly good show!” Goldencrack replied. “But we’ll need to build a new marina to fit her in. Commerce construction in the Bahamas immediately!” 

To show his appreciation, Goldencrack tipped the woman with several sheets of TP.