One industry that’s booming during this crisis is toilet paper manufacturing. Despite the virus having no impact whatsoever on people’s bowels, dumb fucks are continuing to panic-buy and hoard toilet paper.
“Mate, we can’t print it fast enough,” Mark A Goldencrack, CEO of Kleenex, told The Tragic Traveller. “I’m giving our marketing department a 30% raise for somehow convincing idiots that toilet paper is the cure to a disease that makes you cough your lungs out.”
Wearing diamond-encrusted glasses and a suit woven from pure gold fibre, Goldencrack then offered our reporter a Cuban cigar, which he lit with a €500 note.
What a time to be alive!
As Goldencrack reclined on his plush daybed of toilet paper, one of his six bikini-clad ‘aides’ approached.
“Sir, just confirming that your purchase of the Golden Floater has gone through. Shall I have her docked next to your other yachts?”
“Jolly good show!” Goldencrack replied. “But we’ll need to build a new marina to fit her in. Commerce construction in the Bahamas immediately!”
To show his appreciation, Goldencrack tipped the woman with several sheets of TP.