Australian police prepared to deploy nuclear weapons to stop several people using hostel kitchen at once

Contrary to popular belief, although the streets are closed, people do actually still exist and occasionally need to do some normal people things in the privacy of their own homes. Some of those people, like backpackers who currently live in 30-person hostels with one shared kitchen, sometimes go into totally enclosed common areas to make food, chat, and sometimes drink. For some reason, this is considered a greater crime than heaps of random Australians crowding Bondi Beach at the same time.

Despite the fact that hostels are now closed to new visitors and effectively functioning as private residences, the police are putting harsh penalties on people gathering in the garden for a bit of a drink. One shocking piece of helicopter footage on 7 News showed what appeared to be like 10 people, who are all live together anyway, on a balcony with (gasp) a Furphy or two and (gasp) a Bluetooth speaker.

This comes after the news that police barged into a private common area in Ayr, Northern Queensland, and handed fines of over AU$1,000 to any backpacker (most of whom worked in the essential agriculture sector) who happened to be sitting on the sofa in the shared living area of what was effectively their house.

“Yes, though these people already live together and no outside people were present,” an anonymous source told The Tragic Traveller, “we honestly don’t give a shit. The Daily Mail said the ‘rona was all the backpackers’ fault, and we believe them. It’s our policy to treat the entire premises as an active warzone the moment more than two foreigners sit in the common area after nightfall.”

“We have stealth bombers circling over every hostel in the country. If more than two people go for a smoke at once we’re going to fucking dust them. Your move, dipshits.”

Framed as “backpacker parties,” the unremarkable gatherings of what are essentially housemates have several things in common. 1) They’re all foreigners, 2) they all take place in private hostels which aren’t even open to the public any more, and 3) they’re an easy scapegoat to take attention away from the Western world’s insane lack of preparation for a pandemic. This is despite the fact that cruises full of nice rich American tourists are free to waltz around ports as much as they please.

We asked several of the scumbag, disease-carrying backpackers what they thought. One such degenerate – Pierre, 27 – was spotted on a private balcony with one other friend in clear defiance of public decency.

“I went into the kitchen the other day to make instant noodles. A police drone snooping through the window spotted more than three people making pasta at once and sent in the SWAT teams. I have now been charged with treason and terrorism offences.”

A government representative told The Tragic Traveller: “Well, they should have gone home two months ago when they all still had full-time jobs and the official Government line was that nothing bad was happening. Take a hint, you dirty foreigners.”

“We want to be clear. If you are seen nearby any other human being, even if you live with them, a police sniper is going to immediately dome you. Especially if you’re foreign. Fuck you.”