In an exchange on TripAdvisor this afternoon, the manager of the pricey Gold Coast guesthouse you and your mates stayed at a few months ago has admitted that there was, indeed, shit on your bed when you checked in. However, she’d like to point out that it wasn’t rat shit, as you’d claimed, but in fact the faeces of a sweet little local marsupial, which apparently makes a difference.
Kaylee-Jayne, manager of Drop-In Lodge in southern Queensland, today replied to your group’s review more than four months after you’d left it. The closest she came to admitting any guilt for the obvious rodent droppings that were smeared all across your sheets was to deflect your attention away from the shit itself and onto the creature that allegedly produced the shit.
“It’s important we make things right, so I’d like to clarify that it was actually the antechinus, a cute widdle local marsupial, that did this. We try our best to stop them, but they’re about the size of a mouse or a small rat, so you know, it’s basically impossible… But rest assured, the antechinus is completely harmless.”
“Oh great, well I’m glad to hear that the animal that pooed all over my bed is harmless. I guess everything’s fine then!” grumbled Christian Furphy, the unfortunate member of your group who made the booking and left the review, as he read Kaylee-Jayne’s message. “So the issue was with the species of animal that left the shit and not the shit itself, okay,” he added, very sarcastically.
The more he thought about the logic behind Kaylee-Jayne’s response, the more livid Furphy got.
“Maybe I should’ve bagged this adorable little marsupial’s shit and sold it on eBay if it’s that bloody precious,” he muttered, continuing the conversation with himself. “Come to the Gold Coast and immerse yourself in nature! You won’t get to see any of our native animals, but you can roll around in their shit ALL NIGHT LONG!”
Out of sheer curiosity, Furphy decided to google the antechinus to see what all the fuss was about. He found the following image:
Just seconds later, neighbours heard loud screaming, followed by a series of almighty crashes, coming from the Furphy residence.
“If that’s not a mouse I will EAT MY FUCKING FOOT!”
Furphy caused so much damage during his livid, rat-shit-fuelled rampage that he has since been deported from Australia, authorities have confirmed.