In response to out-of-control scenes in the US over the past few days, the Somali government has made the unprecedented move of advising its citizens to stay away from the world’s richest country.
The perennially troubled East African nation – known for its pirates and longstanding civil unrest – noted that in this time of deadly pandemics, violent protests, and Donald Trump, none of its citizens could be guaranteed safety in America. As such, the government today updated its US travel alert status to “Code Red – GTFO.”
Somalia’s president – whose name you definitely don’t know so don’t even pretend to be outraged that we haven’t looked it up – said the following in an interview with The Tragic Traveller:
“Look, I know our country has its problems, but fuck me, even I have some basic respect for the sanctity of human life.”
The Somali government is famously non-functional, but we’re still doing a better job than those American psychopaths.
President Unknown went on to identify racial tension as a key factor in his decision.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have anything against killing unarmed black men. Hell, pretty much every man I kill is black! But at least when I do it it’s not racist.”
Our interview was then interrupted by a gang of rebel fighters trying to storm the president’s office and assassinate him. After lobbing a hand grenade out the door then taking shelter under his desk, the president was polite enough to finish his train of thought.
“I stand by my call!” he shouted over the sound of screams and shattering windows. “You’re better off taking your chances on the streets of Mogadishu than Minneapolis!”