He might have lost the election, but Donald Trump is still inspiring millions of Americans to follow in his footsteps.
One such ‘Murica-first patriot is Cletus Nobbs. The 34-year-old diehard Trump supporter and his wives have been following the Trump campaign across the country over recent weeks. Experts have described the Nobbs family’s pilgrimage as the most dedicated individual effort to spread COVID-19 the world has seen.
As far as political orientation goes, Cletus sits slightly to the right of the average QAnon believer. He considers President Trump the embodiment of his own ultra-conservative Christian values and mimics him by hating the poor, compulsively cheating on women, not paying his taxes, and being heavily in debt.
Predictably, Cletus has been firing off wildly misspelt and misinformed tweets about mail-in ballots all week. But unlike most of his fellow Don-lovers, Cletus wasn’t taken aback when the Trump campaign announced a major press conference at the carpark of Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.
“It was SUPPOSED to be there, jackass!” an unmasked Cletus yelled at The Tragic Traveller‘s roving reporter from about 30 cm away. “This is a GRASS ROOTS campaign to support our DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED PRESIDENT against the JEWISH PAEDOPHILES WHO CONTROL THE WORLD. What could be more grass roots than a fucking gardening centre?!”
In truly Trumpian fashion, Cletus then doubled down on the president’s obvious mistake by pledging to put his family up at the landscaping firm until Wednesday.
“Yeah, I’ll fucking stay here if that’s what MY PRESIDENT wants me to do!”
Hell, if it’s good enough for the greatest leader in the history of ‘MURICA, it’s good enough for me!
“Write an article about that, you fucking mainstream media CUCK,” the diehard Trump supporter added, seemingly unaware that The Tragic Traveller averages six reactions per post and literally hasn’t published a story in months.
With his face the colour of his MAGA hat, Cletus made the call to reserve his accommodation on the spot. Unfortunately, he undermined his display of support for Trump by mistakenly booking a suite at the actual Four Seasons Hotel, in the process proving himself to be more competent than the incumbent president’s campaign staff.