Hostel misfits celebrate worst Christmas ever

A bunch of friendless travellers whose families wouldn’t pay for their flights home are celebrating the worst Christmas ever.

The Tragic Traveller can confirm that 12 outcasts are choking back tears while eating their Christmas dinner – which consists of packaged turkey slices, lukewarm peas, and lumpy mashed potato – at the Drunken Hog Hostel in Montreal.

One of the guests – 23-year-old Darren Wyburn from London – spoke to The Tragic Traveller about his harrowing experience.

“I thought we’d all kinda bond and make the most of the situation,” Wyburn said. “Then I realized I fucking hate all these people.”

I mean, that Spanish chick threw up INTO my backpack last night, and now she’s all like ‘Feliz Navidad!’ Get fucked I reckon.

The hostel receptionist tried to raise the guests’ spirits by playing some Christmas carols over her Bluetooth speaker. However, she soon had to turn the music off after one backpacker from San Francisco complained that Let It Snow by Dean Martin is “misogynistic, heteronormative, and offensive to people from culturally and spiritually diverse backgrounds.”

Wyburn said that despite the hostel’s best efforts, nobody was feeling the cheer.

“The hostel gave us a discounted rate for staying on Christmas day. Somehow that just makes it sadder,” he said.

“I never thought I’d miss my family so much. But now I realise how delicious my mum’s Christmas pudding is,” Wyburn added as he bit into a stale wheat biscuit covered in chocolate sauce.

At the time of publication, all 12 guests had numbed their pain by fixating on their smartphones.

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