Hi, I’m a late Gen-X/early millennial type in a suit.
As you can plainly see, I’m a successful businessman. And that entitles me to make broad, ridiculous statements about what people with less money than me should do. Which is exactly why I’ve hired a digital marketing firm to make my fake interview with an actor go viral.
The fact is, millennials, especially ones who spend money on things they enjoy doing, are effectively scum. Money should be spent on necessities like food, housing, and learning how to enter the extremely vague field of consulting.
The need to travel is a waste of time. Anyone who doesn’t spend 100% of their time working and generating enough profit to buy a third holiday home is a waste of space. That is unless you become a shameless grifter like me and sell overpriced self-help seminars to economics undergrads as a full-time job.
Millennials need to wake up and face the truth; going abroad long-term when you’re in your 20s is a sucker move. Instead, you should wait until you’re in your 40s. By then, you’ll have activated your full e-sales potential by buying my $40 book: How I yeeted my procrastination and made millions.
How did I get my money? I made it myself (after Daddy gave me $1 million dollars to spend on a vanity business). Can you do that by backpacking around Asia in your 20s? I’m not sure. All I know is I spent mine making big bucks by running an extremely vague marketing agency because my college grades weren’t good enough to get me the stockbroker internship I actually wanted.
Millennials might be upset by my video on Facebook. Hopefully they can channel that anger in constructive ways, like rage-sharing my content and giving me free publicity for my multi-level marketing scheme.
If I’ve triggered you pasty, soyish millenials, then good! Make sure you show all your friends my video so I can get ad revenue, or buy my ebook so you can make fun of it. Just between you and me, I lost all my money in the Bitcoin crash.
I’m so hungry.