Max Weber, a plucky 21-year-old beginner surfer from swell-starved Dusseldorf, had been learning to ride the waves while on a working holiday in Japan. He even managed to master getting out back, where he could miss paddling for all the waves that the locals don’t really bother with. But today he made his first great mistake. Going out further than ever before, Weber unwittingly ventured beyond the domain of man and trespassed upon Kingdom of the Sea.
This would not stand.
Vengeful Neptune, almighty god of the ocean, saw the arrogance of the young German. How could this scrawny little shit dare to venture out into his domain not only without a sail, but without a boat of any sort and having failed to pay the proper respect to the King of the Ocean himself?
“If he cannot pay tribute by prayer, or by libation, then he must pay with his blood!” cried out contemptuous Neptune. With no sharks, jellyfish, or sea urchins nearby to deliver cold justice to Weber, Neptune settled on the pure power of ocean windswell.
Weber was minding his own business, sitting on his board and just sort of hanging out. Then he noticed that everyone else had begun paddling for the horizon.
“Huh, that’s weird,” he said out loud.
He soon discovered why. Almighty Neptune had sent an eight-foot monster straight towards him, right in the middle of a four-foot day. The wave turned from blue to sickly green, and the lip began to break uniformly across the horizon as the reality of the situation hit Weber harder than that street curry in Kho Phi Phi had hit his bowels a few months prior.
He paddled in a random direction to get in what he believed might be a better position. But the poor German had never really learned how to turtle roll properly. As such, he was about to get absolutely cooked.
“Fuck me running,” a nearby Australian surfer said when he saw the wave landing on Weber’s head.
Furious Neptune twisted and rolled Weber for an eternity (in real time, about five seconds). The young man had forgotten to close his mouth and as a result was waterboarded by the foam. His comically huge board tombstoned above him, for all the giggling local girls on the beach to see. Weber tried to swim, but like a cat playing with its prey, Neptune dunked him down again.
As he surfaced, Weber rubbed the salt water out of his eyes, and saw, to his horror, that he was in a field of pure white. Trapped in the white water, he looked up to see four even bigger waves coming towards him. Great Neptune laughed, for he had punished the interloper appropriately.
Weber landed back on the beach about five minutes later, gasping for air. His mates were hanging out on dry land, where mortals belong. While the beginner surfer had been fighting for his life, they had been having actual fun.
“Caught any good ones?” asked one of his friends.
“Yeah, a few,” Weber said.